He never lost
by xLitva
Summary: It feels like a hand, cold as ice, closes around my heart. The grip tightening, and my voice raises just a little, into a whisper. "… You've never lost…"  Implied character death. Rated for safety. Oneshot.


Click.

The sound echoed through the almost empty room, and though it was very soft it seemed to be the only thing that one could hear.

"Lucky me~"

The sing-song tone told me what the click already had shown. He had survived, and it was my turn next. That voice. I couldn't help but hating it even more now. The same voice which's laughs accompanied my screams and the crack of the whip against my back during the dark nights of his rule. The soft tone speaking words of a beautiful, horrible, love when it all was over, and strong arms held me close. Arms that if they were cold, I might have hated them. But warm arms and soft words seemed to be the only comfort, the only thing I could hold onto and I hated myself for not hating the monster who hurt me.

But could he really be such a monster when his hands gently caressed my battered back, willing the pain away?

_Take a breath, take it deep  
Calm yourself, he says to me  
If you play, you play for keeps  
Take the gun and count to three  
I'm sweating now, moving slow  
No time to think, my turn to go_

The gun was in front of my eyes now. And behind it was the smiling face of a madman.

"Calm down, Toris. Take a breath now, and do not be nervous."

I can't help it. Even as I reach out for the gun my hands won't stop shaking. Why did it come to this? Sweat is making my eyes burn. The gun is on the table now, and I'm trying to rub out the saltiness from my eyes.

"Stop that. It is your turn, da?"

If I play his game now, I can't change my mind later on. We're really playing for keeps right now, and if I loose, I won't get a rematch, ever again. Suddenly my hand touches something hard, and I look down just in time to see my fingers curling around the gun. That's right… It really is my turn, isn't it? And Ivan is not very patient, I don't have time to think right now.

_And you can see my heart beating  
You can see it through my chest  
And I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving  
I know that I must pass this test  
So just pull the trigger_

I'm pretty sure Ivan could see my heartbeat by now. It hurt. It was beating so hard against the inside of my ribs, and I can't feel anything but the blood pulsating in my ears.

My hand is shaking now.. no… not just my hand. My whole body is trembling with fear, anxiety. What if I die here?

But I've been through this before. I can't run, can't hide, and can't escape my fate. If I don't do this, I'll never be free. I might be independent on paper, bu he will always be the one in control. How can I earn my freedom if I don't dare fight for it?

**I need to do this.**

_Say a prayer to yourself  
He says close your eyes, sometimes it helps  
And then I get a scary thought  
That he's here, means he's never lost_

"O my God, I adore Thee and I love Thee with all my heart."

I stumbled over the words, but they were still low enough so that I almost couldn't heart hem myself.

"I thank Thee for having created me, for having made me a catholic and for having watched over me until this day."

Ivan can't hear me, I'm sure. My voice was way too low for that. But I have to do this now, and my hand is slowly moving up the gun to my temple.

Was the metal of the gun always this cold?

"Pardon me for the evil I have done up until this day; and if I have done anything good, deign to accept it."

Not more than a breath, there was no way Ivan could have heard that. But it still feels like he know. That he knows everything that goes on in my mind. That thought isn't really comforting.

"Watch over me while I take my rest and deliver me from pain and danger."

It feels like a hand, cold as ice, closes around my heart. The grip tightening, and my voice raises just a little, into a whisper.

"… You've never lost…"

_And you can see my heart beating  
You can see it through my chest  
And I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving  
I know that I must pass this test  
So just pull the trigger_

I didn't need an answer to that, and Ivan didn't give me one. His smile just widened the slightest, and my own face paled. I could actually feel the blood draining.

This was why I shouldn't think. The mere thought of Ivans luck was frightening, and I didn't need that.

But still, I was forcing my hand to spin the cylinder, and I heard the small clicks that told me the place of the bullet was randomized.

And as my finger curled around the trigger, Ivans dead eyes looked almost excited, and I closed my eyes tightly.

_As my life flashes before my eyes  
I'm wondering if I will ever see another sunrise  
So many won't get the chance to say goodbye  
But it's to late to think of the value of my life_

The trigger pressed down slowly, slowly. Feliks face flashed before my eyes. My best friend. Does he know I love him?

Eduard, Raivis, my brothers, can they take care of themselves? They're still so young.

Alfred… I had promised to let him show me this new horrorvideogame, will that ever happen now?

And I never did thank Arthur, did I? For getting me that work that changed my life.

I was panting now, gasping for breath as my life flashed before my eyes.

The rye-fields with Feliks. Soft wind caressing my face, and his face smiling brightly even after a day of hard work, and his soft hand brushing away hair from his eyes.

_**FLASH**_

Meeting Alfred at that restaurant with Arthur, to discuss a possible job. Arthur and Alfred never stopped fighting, like true brothers or maybe an old married couple. A small snicker escaping at that thought.

_**FLASH**_

A small fire heating up a cold room, during the cold winters, and huddling together with his younger brothers in the couch with hot chocolate, the wind and snow never able to get to them.

_**FLASH**_

Fire covering houses everywhere, guns firing and people shouting in both russian and german. Hiding in a small, closed room from the soldiers, and praying for no one to find him.

_**FLASH**_

Feliks tugging at his arm, to get him to move along into the store, while throwing a bunch of clothes into his other hand.

"Feliks, I don't need this much clothes, you know."

Feliks stopped and turned around, with a serious look on his otherwise joyful face.

"You can never have too much clothes."

_**FLASH**_

Slamming the door behind him. He walked down the hall with confident steps, his younger brothers looking at him with awe, and a voice shouting at him from behind the door.

"FINE! IF YOU HATE ME SO MUCH, THEN LEAVE! I DON'T NEED YOU!"

Walking out the door, pretending he didn't hear the sobbing from the office and that it wasn't his heart that hurt.

_**FLASH**_

Would I ever get to see them again? I didn't even get to say goodbye.

No, I can't think like that! I WILL win this game, and then I'll go back to them.

But the one thought I couldn't keep away as my eyes noticed the moon against the dark sky was;

'Will I ever get to see the next sunrise?'

_And you can see my heart beating  
You can see it through my chest  
And I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving  
I know that I must pass this test  
So just pull the trigger_

There is nothing left for me to do. My heartbeat is almost hurting me, pounding on my chest like that. My eyes are closed, when did that happen?

"May Thy grace always be with me."

I pressed down the trigger the last bit, the fear was disappearing. It was now or never.

"Amen."

BANG.

**AUTHORS NOTE!:**

So... uh... this is a fanfic I wrote in.. ninth grade? About a year ago for my english class :3 I suddenly remembered it, and figured that I could share it with you guys and see what you think about it ^^ It took me hours to find it again though x'D But I hope you can enjoy it :3 And of course, the song is "Russian Roulette" by.. uhm.. Okay, I'm not sure by who right now, and I'm supposed to go to sleep now... (It's one ó clock in the morning, and I have school tomorrow...)

Please review and tell me what you think of it ^^

xLitva over and out!


End file.
